• THANK FUCKING CHRIST, IT’S OVER: WithAPassion’s Election08 Post-Mortem

November 8, 2008 § Leave a comment

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That’s from Jay Smooth over at Ill Doctrine.

On November 5th, at around 1 in the morning, hours after it was announced that Barack Obama will be the 44th President of these United States of America, I did something I didn’t think I’d have the want to do again in my lifetime: I waved a flag, and I liked it.

In the southern side of Union Square last night, at around one in the morning, and probably well before then as well as well after then, things were, to use a parlance of the time, going down. I bumped into fellow Bard alumni who were reveling in President-Elect Obama’s victory, I waited on like outside of Artichoke hours later and the mood was as lively there as it has ever been. 14th Street was running deep in high fives.

For the rest of the post, click through the jump, I think all that video is a bit cloggy.

But let’s rewind. Let’s rewind back to 2004, actually. Yes, the speech is where I think the story starts, if we can momentarily forget that starting in 2001, George W. Bush began 8 years of shitting on the country that are finally about to be over.

In 2004, the Democratic Party should have picked Howard Dean. The Media and it’s choice to flick the Repeat-One switch on with regards to Dean’s scream. After that, It seemed as if half-man, half-Easter Island statue John Kerry was the pick. Except this was a shitty pick. Rhetorically, he was poorer than Al Gore at his lockbox-iest in 2000. Personally, the guy couldn’t inspire the party as he went water skiing, which was seen as douchey, which it very well may be when you’re supposed to be running an election.

But then, there was the keynote speech at the 2004 Democratic National Convention, and I don’t remember much about where I was when I saw it, or even if I saw it live. I probably didn’t. I probably caught it online the next day. Here it is:

I loved that speech. You’d have to be the Grinch himself to scoff at that one. But Kerry was the nominee, so I couldn’t very well write Obama’s name in. I voted for Kerry, who then lost. On my way to the polling station in 2004, though, as I walked a mile in upstate New York, I listened to Jadakiss’ “Why?” remix featuring Styles P, Common, and Nas, and notably Common’s line, “Why’s Bush actin‘ like he tryin’ to get Osama, why don’t we impeach him, and elect Obama?” I made a screen name on AOL that revolved around the words Elect Obama.

So Kerry lost. Dean got the DNC leadership position. Nobody knew who would get the top spot in 2008. I remember someone tossed Russ Feingold’s name up.

Then the field was unveiled. I thought Edwards, Richardson, or Obama would be decent picks. I never really got the whole Hillary thing, as I thought she’d be unelectable, what with the hatred there is for the Clinton Brand. Joe Biden, I think, impressed everyone with the Ridy Noun Verb 9/11 joke, which sort of was his plea to the leading candidates to consider him a decent and witty attack dog VP.

Soon, though, it was whittled down to Barack Obama vs. Hillary Clinton. Hillary’s campaign was shit, not at the level McCain’s was, but it was shit. I thought Obama could appeal to more people because he wasn’t basing his run around negativity and how much whitey loves him the way Hillary did. Oh, and by the way, WHITEY LOVES THEM SOME BARACK OBAMA. Obama did 7pts better with White people than Kerry did. Hillary was making shit up left and right about being shot at in Kosovo and being Little Hillary Oakley growing up. Part of me wondered if enough of America was over race enough for Obama to win, and people like this crazy old bitch, who does not deserve to be named, was definitely the reason why I wondered about America being ready enough to elect then Sen. Obama:

These are the PUMA’s. Not much was left to be said about them after the point in time when I’d written this piece on them. I was wrong that they’d be a lasting waste of time, Sarah the Lipsticked-Pitbull and Faux the Plumber, both of whom I’ll get to later, filled the mindless gap left behind by operation repulsive idiotic white people angry that the public might believe a black man is better than they are.

During the thick of the Barack VS Hillary campaign it was obvious Keith Olbermann was on Obama’s side, and the backlash to the Olbermania happened with a New Yorker piece and after Keith set his Special Comment sights on Hillary after her reference to a possible attempt on then-Senator Obama’s life. It was the apex of Olbermann’s cringe-inducing ability. Since then, I’m happy to report he’s used his powers for good and not evil.

Speaking of Keith, he, and newly minted MSNBC host Rachel Maddow, became required viewing in my apartment. In an apartment where I had no physical roommates, I’d reached a point of watching the MSNBC 2-hours-of-power duo so much they were as frequently present as the Stewart/Colbert powerhouse. Someone had joked to me on Twitter that Keith and Rachel would spontaneously make out on TV if Obama won. This is funny cause you know: Rachel loves the ladies, and Keith loves, well, the ladies.

As things got more and more heated between Hillary and Barack, I got more and more amped up in my damnation of Sen. Clinton. What I took as undermining Barack as a candidate, I now can understand to be a fleshing out and testing out of his will as a candidate. The elongated primary made Obama 08 go to every single god damn nook and cranny of this craggy country a candidate for a major party nominee could go to. Bringing the Wright story to the forefront of the table then, as opposed to in the general election, is seen in hindsight as a preferable option. This all being said, fuck you very much Geraldine Ferraro. Whomever leaked the Obama in garb photo to Drudge thereby putting lighter fluid on the Secret Muslim meme, fuck you upside the face with a plunger. Bill, you just don’t get it anymore. You still don’t like Obama. We could all tell at that final rally. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I kind of dig Hillary more than I dig you now. Bill, do something to prove me wrong.

Then, once Obama finally made it an undeniable mathematical impossibility for Hillary to get back in it, and by the way, NO MORE SUPER DELEGATES YOU STUPID FUCKING DEMS, which was hard to do, as Hillary and her people were living in what Rachel Maddow called “The Post-Rational Universe,” it became obvious it was Obama VS McCain, and it seemed like … well, some “Serious Journalists” had yet to realize John McCain wasn’t going to be running a “Serious Campaign,” even after the “Celebrity” ad. I remember talking about that ad to a centrist friend, a recovering Republican, who was happy for the commercial because it was actually working to help McCain in the polls, which I had a hard time denying.

Which brings me to a side note: part of my internet detox happening relates to how OCD I got over the polling stats. 1pm is a time with little significance to most other than it’s near or around lunch time. For me, it was a time to head to gallup.com to check their daily tracking poll for the election. Real Clear Politics and FiveThirtyEight.com both were household names in my one man household, and I was especially interested when slaps flew between the two sites, regarding openness of methodology. Nate Silver, founder of FiveThirtyEight had his own method and practices, based around feeding stacks and stacks of polls into an algoithm to test out every single possibility for the election, questioned and mocked, especially by Dick Bennett of polling firm ARG who likened what Nate Silver did to palm-reading. Well Dick, Nate got the %age numbers for the candidates closer than anyone else did, within .1 for each of them. Who’s the gypsy bitch now, ya dick?

And there you see how silly my obsession became. I knew about infighting between pollsters. I praised Nate Silver’s site, which featured documentary photography work that would reveal how barely staffed McCain campaign offices are.

This was during the weekend before the election. They'll say one day, as good a campaign Obama ran, McCain ran an equally shitty campaign.

This was during the weekend before the election!

One of the photo documentaries also featured Sonja Sohn (Kima Greggs), Seth Gilliam (Ellis Carver), and Gbenga Akinnagbe (Chris Partlow) of The Wire at an Obama rally. That site was so in-my-wheelhouse you’d have think I dreamt it.

We continued down the rickety path toward the election, with the big smack upside the head not being Obama’s pick of Biden, which could have really set the PUMA base up in smoke, but “McCain’s” pick of Sarah Palin, the Governor of Alaska; former Mayor of Wasilla, AK; one time beauty queen runner up and Ms. Congeniality winner (note, why did McCain keep saying he never won a congeniality award?). Ms. Palin who continues to run her mouth off at the media for their elitist sexist bull. Ms. Palin who I will now refer to, in my best elitist voice as a primo example of the SCUM OF THE EARTH. Ms. Palin hit the scene running around like a hateful alpha bee with an ember in her beehive.

My favorite moment of her being an evil evil bitch was the whole “I guess being a community organizer is kinda like being a small town mayor, except I actually had responsibility.” nonsense. My reply to this comment, is sort of a spoiler, but since we all know how this ends, let me say this loud and clear:

I guess being a small town mayor is kinda like being a community organizer except Barack Obama organized a country to elect him President, and kick you, Caribou Barbie, and your Sad Grandpa running mate, back to the shitholes from whence you came.

At this point, we turn to the renewed relevance of Saturday Night Live, which made the no duh decision to bring former cast member and head writer Tina Fey back to savage Sarah Palin. At one point, the joke on the table from Ms. Fey was exactly what Gov. Palin had said. When you’ve gone so far down the shitter that you’re unintentionally giving the comedians fodder, you’re gone off the rails.

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It turned out that Palin wasn’t vetted by Team McCain 08 in the slightest. The campaign had gone further down that rabbit hole of empty politiking that we saw it start off on with the “Celebrity” ad.

Then … there were the debates. But before we could have the debates, McCain tried to put his campaign on hold because TEH ECONAMEE IS KRATERIN! and postpone the first debate. He cancelled on Letterman in what some, those being Letterman and Keith Olbermann, would jokingly refer to as a moment where the public saw behind the campaign curtain of lies from McCain Palin 08, as Letterman cut to the raw feed of McCain doing a Couric interview. Letterman yells into the monitor, “Mr. Senator, I have a question! Would you like a ride to the airport?”

Many, mostly conservative squawk-boxes like Pat Buchanan, blame McCain’s loss on the cratered economy. Well, maybe if McCain had picked Mitt “Nobody Likes Me” Romney, the economy wouldn’t have murked his chances. Sure, it wouldn’t have mobilized and reach-arounded his base, but that’s what your candidate is supposed to do BEFORE the VP pick.

Obama played it safe, to make Americans think he was safe; McCain played it like a blind man at a urinal, which made America think twice about which candidate they actually knew. Who the fuck is this senior citizen talking about nailing jello to the wall, they wondered in America. Palin tried to wink and change the subject through the sole VP debate, and America kinda bought it, thanks to the bar being set for her at a subterranean level.

Then there was the Palling Around With Terrorists & Real/Fake America cycle. Palin, doing something the McCain team claims she did on her own without authorization, led a cheer of Obama ❤ Terrorists Long Time. The term terrorist by itself is questionable, as we all know by the time Obama met Bill Ayers, Ayers was as reformed as G. Gordon Liddy was the last time he and McCain jerked each other off. The pluralization of the word is where things get juicy and not to subtle in the implication: Obama and Osama roll together.

This led to a late in the game moment of the McCain Palin supporters are racist assholes meme, started by, well, said supporters, who, when presented with a camera in their faces, let loose with their crazy cannons:

So it was late in the game, and at the same time, Drudge linked to a story about Obama using the phrase “Spread the Wealth” when talking to a guy, Joe Wurzelbacher, who approached Obama while the Senator was campaigning door-to-door on his own behalf. Of course, McCain picked the meme of Joe, who called himself a plumber, which we now know to be a lie, during the final debate, which then started the hopefully now over 15 minutes of Faux The Plumber’s fame. McCain would blame Obama and the media for ruining Joe’s privacy.

Above, Joe would say Obama’s election would be the death of Israel, which Fox News anchor Shep Smith had to correct him on, more on Shep pwning self righteous idiots later when a certain old fool hits the nadir of his own career. Fox News’ program “Fox & Friends,” even had FtP on as a guest to chat. And there was even the rumor that Joe had done some strange with SNL’s Kristen Wiig, thankfully for my appetite, that has been debunked by Defamer.

A couple weeks before the election went down, I and my friend Eric went to PA to volunteer for the Obama campaign, as it was becoming increasingly public knowledge that McCain believed the primary season Hillary vote was the key to PA’s 21 electoral votes. The episode of the This American Life podcast, “Ground Game,” is a great documentation of both sides fighting for Pennsylvanians, more specifically, that thing called “Pennsyltucky” in between the Blue parts of PA. My experience in PA was far shorter, just an afternoon, and far worse. We were fired up and ready to … drive to an incorrectly typed in location thanks to an Obama PA intern who mistyped a word, causing me to waste three hours lost in PA with a 55 year old Nigerian man who lives in Brooklyn runs a limo company that calls him every five fucking minutes on the dot, had me read his credit card number over the phone to buy those tiny car calendars, and who had an accent thick enough to scare away some particularly unreachable whiteys in PA. There, I’ve said it. I wanted to not say any of that until Barack won. And he did.

But before he did, it was fun to watch the time run out. Drudge tried to claim Obama was going to ruin the coal industry. That didn’t work. McCain, Sarah Barracuda, and Faux all but called Obama a dirty stinking commie for the spread the wealth comment. That did nothing. The numbers tightened a little, but I think that’s more because McCain finally took the reins and told his batshit racist fan base to wise up and that Obama wasn’t an Arab. He didn’t say there wasn’t anything wrong with being an Arab though.

Election day happened. I was with my parents when I voted, waiting an hour and half in SoHo. Drudge and FOX tried to make the MSM flinch over OMG BLACK PANTHERS! And nobody cared. McCain had run such a shitty campaign, that even hardcore racists were voting Obama. Then the moment I knew it was probably over happened with MSNBC before it happened with any other network. They called PA for Obama. Nobody else would. I was worried they would have to un-call it. Then the rest followed suit. When FOX called PA for Obama, then it was his. The best moment of the night was when Turd Blossom himself was talking about how important Ohio was for McCain, and then Brit Hume had to break it to Rove that, well, Obama won Ohio.

Chuck Todd Misses The Fairer Sex & Knows Why McCain Lost

Chuck Todd Misses The Fairer Sex & Knows Why McCain Lost

From then on out it was over. Obama hit 200 without California, so Keith Olbermann made it clear that well, with CA, Obama’s home state of Hawaii, and Oregon, it would essentially be OVER, which, by an uncharacteristically early, in this decade, 11pm EST, it was. McCain’s speech was good, his audience was made up of the only support he had left at this point, the angry racist douchebag demo. Did anyone see the weeping skinhead with the kid over his shoulder? Hi-larious.

So, then before I knew it, I was on 14th Street, or as I liked to call it: HIGH FIVE CITY. Bumped into some friends from Bard, one of whom kept demanding that the populous go streaking. And I waved a flag, a big flag on a big wooden stick. I think I might get me a flag now. Or maybe I’ll wait until Guantanamo is closed down. And now, for the pure funny section of the post, which is the ending:

tbnt1

A message from myself and the country, to Bible Spice.

Also, here are some words that Tracy Morgan spoke on TV before anyone in The Lower 48 knew what a Palin was:

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And here’s a funny video from the series “Get Your War On” (LINK IF VIDEO ISN’T WORKING):
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But to end on a brilliant note, here are photos acquired from AprilWinchell.com:

THAT IS ALL.

THAT IS ALL.

Internet, goodbye for a while. For a condensed version of this story head to http://thisfuckingelection.com

UPDATE: I know I didn’t talk Prop 8, but that’s still being fought, right? Fucking Mormon church assholes. Expect some thoughts on Prop 8 when I come back.

UPDATE THE 2nd: I wanted to get this out there, I HATE CANDY CROWLEY, WHAT A FUCKING ASSHAT.

Update the third: Remember, Blame Bill Kristol for Sarah Palin.

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