What Not To Give:

December 4, 2007 § Leave a comment

bauershirt.jpg
Not anywhere close to my wish list, seriously.

So most every single magazine on the shelves is playing the Gift List game, so I’ve decided to play the shamelessly contrarian card and list what presents you shouldn’t give certain folks.

You shouldn’t give A Contradictory Report on Iran to George W. Bush, cause he’ll just pfft out a raspberry, and do the nyah nyah na boo boo! At least this will give the rest of the country complete reason to say Fuck Right Off about Your War to the President, for once. Before Bush made himself look completely tongue-in-ass ignorant, the Times had this gem above the fold:

An administration that had cited Iran’s pursuit of nuclear weapons as the rationale for an aggressive foreign policy — as an attempt to head off World War III, as President Bush himself put it only weeks ago — now has in its hands a classified document that undercuts much of the foundation for that approach.

To use the WWIII reference and then say, no wait, it was Bush who actually shat those words out of his mouth, that was one of the better moments I’ve had reading the Times lately.

You shouldn’t give A Chance to Ubisoft, maker of Assassin’s Creed. Yes, that’s right, I’m back on UbiSoft’s case like Taibbi on the trail. Popular Mechanics says that Ubisoft is so baffled by the mid-jump freeze, that they haven’t been able to release the patch that so many are looking for. Over on the AC message board, it seems that a patch has been released for non-North American PS3 owners, but it hasn’t done much for most of them.

You shouldn’t give A Penalty Flag to Bart Scott. I think this is self explanatory: Mr. Scott fucked things up for Baltimore.

LAST NIGHT’S HEROES SPOILER WARNING

Touching on what I mentioned last night, you shouldn’t give A Press Conference to Nathan Petrelli. Ignoring from the fact that NBC telegraphed that Ol’ Beardless was ripe for the killing in every damn promo leading up to the season finale of Heroes, Jeph Loeb gave us a very mediocre script. Why I bring this back up is something that was touched on by NY Mag’s blog: you kill him with a gun? This is a show about super powered heroes, it would have been so much more interesting, or at least so much more cool, if the death had you don’t have some weird power that looks like something not powers-based. Let’s say Nathan has a heart attack triggered by someone who can manipulate the body like Little Orphan Micah can “talk to technology.” Or maybe the Haitian does a mind wipe from across the room and renders Nathan unable to say what exactly it is that he can do that’s so special. Anything but a gun, which was so weak, even weaker than Nikki/Jessica/Gina’s burning building death.

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